Mlle Hazelwood (Home)

Resolution number one: Obviously will lose twenty pounds. Number two, equally important: Will find nice, sensible boyfriend to go out with. And not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. -Bridget Jones’s Diary

I am Bridget Jones. (Some of you are, too.) These are my resolutions tonight: finish my MFA in Creative Writing (in May), move to England to gain some perspective on British wit, and write smart chick lit. I don’t care if I’ll be “wasting [my] talent.” It’s clear I’ll be single forever, so I might as well make some money off of it.

…And in the meantime, I’m eating parmesan cheese from a plastic container.